Who am I?

Who am I? I am a woman that burns with desire to conquer the world in front of her. I am a woman that does not run in the face of obstacles and hardship. I am a woman filled with strength and triumph. I am a woman who strives for excellence. I am a woman who strives for success and greatness. I am a woman who fights every day to become better than the day before. However, I am also a woman who strives for perfection. The level of perfection I strive for is defined by the mould that society created, a mould that comes with many expectations, the mould of the perfect woman.

As much as we know to avoid the internalization of societal pressures and expectations, it is not so easy when you live your life outside of utopia.

As I live my life, day to day, I realize that I spend a lot of time alone, which ultimately, is a choice. I do this so I can spend my time doing things that I love. But, I also work at home and am secluded for many hours of the day.

As a result, as the day passes by, I start to embark on a journey within my mind thinking of all the things I would like to become.

I try to decipher though, why do I want to become all the things I want to become? Is it because I truly want it? Or is it because society tells me I should want it?

My mind races all day. It brainstorms idea after idea on how to make money, contemplates the pros and cons for each idea and it thinks of the most economical way to make these ideas come to fruition so as not to negatively impact my ability to maintain my life as I currently do.

Before I know it, hours have gone by, and I haven’t done a thing. All I have done is think and brainstorm and contemplate and budget.

As I am riding out my mental journey, I stop and I think of where I am right now and what I have been through to get here. This is when the downward spiral begins.

I venture off into images of my future self. I envision myself in many different ways living many different lifestyles. I try to feel how it would feel.

While I have many things to contribute to my happiness, I have many things that take away from my happiness within my current self. These things are the missing pieces from my bigger picture.

When I painted my picture, I painted it based on my wish list. If I had a magic paint brush, how would I paint myself and my life? And this is my compass for when I get lost on my path.

I have spent many days being sad for many reasons, I have also spent many days laughing and enjoying life. But, because of the way my mind is wired, I find it easier to remember the bad.

I once saw in a video that a memory is as remembered as how strong you felt it. The stronger the emotion, the longer you remember.

With every heart ache, comes more fragility. There are times where I question if I have the emotional strength to walk my path. As much as I have conquered, there’s still a long way to go. My heart is worn and I don’t know how much more it can take.

With all of the heart ache I have endured, I am worried to allow it into my life again. I am worried that someone will shake up my world and will leave me in rubble.

I have put my world back together many times. Each time, it gets harder and harder to put the pieces back together again. They don’t fit as they should. With every repair, the foundation becomes weaker.

There are days that my heart aches consistently from morning until night, for days at a time. There are days where I want to fly away to a far away place and never be found. And yes, I have had days where I have wondered, why am I here.

But I have a choice to make. I can either wallow and bitch about my problems, or get up, regardless of how I feel and do what I gotta do. If I bitch and complain, I am not focusing on the actions I can take to solve my problems. If I’m not focused on the solution, how will I ever reach my final destination? Happiness. I will do anything within my control to achieve it.

No matter what people tell me, no matter what people show me, no matter what the world tells me, no matter what the world shows me, I choose to keep going.

I don’t fit the mould that society created, but, nowhere did it say that I had to.

My individual struggles are the white noise that cloud my judgment when what I know is different than what I do. Nobody’s perfect. Ironic isn’t it? I am a woman who strives for perfection but cannot achieve it because I am not perfect. So where is my middle ground? It’s simple. My goal is to strive for perfection to ensure that I am always evolving, but to also understand that I will only reach perfection in my final breath as the past is always perfect.

My goal is but one, to make it to the finish line. Some days, I will take a little step, and other days, I will take many big steps, but as long as I keep going, I know I’ll get there.

No matter what I’m feeling, no matter if my insecurities take over, no matter if sadness consumes my day, I have no choice but to keep going.

I know in my heart that all of the things I truly desire will manifest themselves when the time is right. I am confident and I believe this with every fibre in my being. I am bound to have moments of sadness and moments of happiness along the way because without obstacle, there is no triumph.

I am a woman who will not run. I am a woman who stands her ground. I am a woman who will try. I am a woman who will never give up, who will never give up on life, on love, and most importantly, herself.